my life with depression.com

So things are not good between RAZ and I. Last weekend, I suggested that we take some time apart so Monday, I dropped him off to work and that’s the last time that I’ve seen him. Points that I mentioned was the same things again. I feel disconnected and I need more intimacy from him and I need to have affirmations from him.

I told him that the only time that I don’t have that achy needing feeling is when we are in bed cuddling. Outside of that, he can just be so cold. Not really playful. I don’t even a have nickname that he gives me. He feels like calling me something like “baby” is cliché and my name is M.  I don’t like the feeling of holding myself verbally back with him for feeling that I am making myself vulnerable. I want to be a fun loving me, but I don’t feel that I can be - not if I feel like he’s not reciprocating.

I understand what his thoughts are. He only wants to say things if he’s REALLY feeling it and if it’s a heightened emotional feeling. He feels that expressing anything else is giving false information. I told him that there is always underlying feelings there and that those feelings fluctuate up and down from low to that heightened feeling and that it’s the same emotion. That he in fact is not giving false information if he randomly tells me he cares for me. This girl just needs to hear it.

I guess he’s afraid that I would not let him have more of his “independence.” He’s the type to need that a lot.  I told him that if he makes me feel secure and safe then of course he can spend time with his friends. He brings up the time when his friend Anita. He and I were walking on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. This girl says that she’s got $1000 benefit tickets for free. Ultimately, I felt like he was going to ditch me that afternoon because we didn’t have “set plans” even though he was suppose to stay over that evening. I felt like he was just going to ditch me for some girl that I didn’t even know. The other  friday night, as I was socializing and joking around, I felt this girl attacked me. Rather than validating my feelings, I felt like he was defending her. Eventually, he felt that my negativity made him feel attacked and that he doesn’t know how to deal with negative feelings. He felt like he was diffusing the situation. Turns out he’s kissed this girl before making me feel even more fabulous! I shared that FRENCHIE and I were millions of miles away from each other and that there was very little time spent together, but I always felt secure in that relationships - even when he went out or got together with girls.

He states that he’s just learning to tell me what his needs are and that perhaps once he’s able to do that and I can give him those needs and make him more comfortable then he could be able to be emotionally there with me more. He want’s to work things out, but I’m hesitant. I really like him, but I tend to stay in relationships way too long (as can be noted in all past relationships including FRENCHIE). Maybe it’s because I don’t set boundaries even after I have asked for what I want and need.

I broke it off with him two days ago saying that I don’t want to end up two years later to find that he is NOT able to give me what I need emotionally. I really like him, but I just really need it and I am going to be 35 next March. I want a family but before that, I need to meet someone, get to know them, get married and be married at least one year or two before we have children. That’s the ideal for me. He didn’t want to break up yet and wanted some time to think about what he needs, our compatibility and what he thinks I can give him and vice versa.

He says he’s been so focused on work that he’s lost his “emotional” side along the way. I guess he’s been trying to feel “us” and get more in touch with that. He’s also stated that he’s one to get to “those” feelings slowly. I understand that, but it’s almost been a year since we’ve met and I’m tired of waiting and trying. His protective wall has been too thick and I just don’t have the time to invest anymore. I still resent the fact that he’s never courted me though he says that he’s never courted the other girls. That kinda hits my ego because I couldn’t inspire him to want to treat me special. I told him over and over again. I like being special.

He says he’s also lost his passion. Oh and he feels that he’s not been doing the things that he likes to do. I don’t understand that because our activities revolve around him and his friends. His friend’s parties — they are not the type of people that I would normally hang out with, listening to music — not ones that I would normally listen to, etc. He wants to go hiking but he’s never planned a trip. I’ve said ok several times. I’m not going to set those up because those are not my activities just like I can never expect him to take me to the opera, ballet or symphony and how I will always have to take him.

Anyways, my therapist says that it doesn’t HAVE TO BE either FRENCHIE or RAZ. It could be someone else.

We’re suppose to talk tomorrow. I don’t want to see him when we talk because I don’t want to feel other feelings except for cold rational objective feelings. I am trying to harden my heart.