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Intimacy has been used variously to refer to feelings of closeness and affection between interacting partners; the state of having revealed one’s innermost thoughts and feelings to another person; relatively intense forms of nonverbal engagement (notably, touch, eye contact, and close physical proximity); particular types of relationships (especially marriage); sexual activity; and stages of psychological maturation.

Most frequently, intimacy has been used synonymously with personal disclosure (Jourard, 1971) which involves “putting aside the masks we wear in the rest of our lives” (Rubin, 1983, p. 168). To be intimate is to be open and honest about levels of the self that usually remain hidden in daily life. The extent of personal disclosure is proportionate to how vulnerable one allows oneself to be with a partner in revealing thoughts and feelings which are not usually apparent in social roles and behaviors of everyday life.

Intimacy also has been thought of as companionship (Lauer, Lauer & Kerr, 1990) and has been associated with emotional bonding (Johnson, 1987). Others have defined intimacy as a process which changes as relationships mature (White, Speisman, Jackson, Bartos & Costos, 1986). Schaefer and Olson (1981) considered intimacy to be a dynamic process which included emotional, intellectual, social, and cultural dimensions.

In studying the characteristics of relationships that had lasted an average of 30 years Mackey, O’Brien and Mackey (1997) reported that sense of psychological intimacy emerged as a significant predictor of satisfaction between partners. Across same- and opposite-gender couples, participants described intimacy as the verbal sharing of inner thoughts and feelings between partners along with mutual acceptance of those thoughts and feelings.

Relatively little is known about nonverbal communication as an aspect of intimacy. Prager (1995) suggested that a glance or a touch may have great meaning between partners because of the mutual recognition of shared, albeit unspoken, experiences. However, “it is less well known how nonverbal factors influence the development of intimacy in ongoing relationships” (Berscheid & Reis, 1998). It appears reasonable to assume, however, that metacommunications in the form of nonverbal messages must be congruent with the exchange of words, if a sense of psychological intimacy is to develop and be sustained between two individuals. At a minimum, metacommunications at a behavioral level cannot undermine or contradict words that may be used to enhance a sense of psychological intimacy between partners in a meaningful relationship.

Intimate communication may be experienced differently by men and women. What it is to be psychologically intimate in friendships and romantic relationships may be quite different to each gender, since males and females have been socialized to adopt different roles.As a consequence, men may experience intimacy through shared activities and women experience intimacy through verbal self-disclosure and shared affect. Changing cultural values toward androgyny in child-rearing and adult relationships are having a significant impact on gender roles today, and may be changing the meaning of intimacy for males and females in heterosexual and same-gender relationships.

The extent to which men and women define and express intimacy differently remains ambiguous, not unlike the concept itself. Men may value shared activities as an instrumental means to experiencing relational connectedness that may lead to a sense of psychological intimacy, while women may place greater value on sharing thoughts and feelings about themselves. Even if these processes differentiate the meaning of intimacy to men and women, they cannot account for temperamental, contextual, or intervening factors in relationships at different points over their life spans.

The achievement of a sense of equity has been associated with mutuality in decision-making among heterosexual and same-gender couples (Howard, Blumstein, & Schwartz, 1986). When partners in a relationship have felt relatively equal in their capacity to influence decisions, decision-making has been characterized by negotiation and discussion.Fairness in decision-making over roles, household responsibilities, and finances have been linked to relational satisfaction and potentially to perceptions of psychological intimacy. Lesbians reported “higher levels of intimacy than partners in heterosexual relationships” (p.564). That finding resonates with other research on intimacy in relationships and has been attributed to the relational orientation of women. The valuing of mutuality rather than of autonomy within relationships (Surrey, 1987), may nurture the development of psychological intimacy in women’s relationships.

Openness within a meaningful relationship has been found to reduce stress, enhance self-esteem and -respect, and reduce symptoms of physical and psychological impairment. Conversely, studies of isolated individuals unable to engage in relationships that promote openness and disclosure of inner thoughts and feelings are at risk for developing physical and psychological symptoms.  Drawing from several studies, Prager concluded that “even people with sizable social networks are likely to develop symptoms of psycho logical disturbance in the face of stressful events if they lack confiding relationships.”

RESULTS

More than 9 out of 10 participants described their relationships as psychologically intimate in recent years if they had also reported positive sexual relations and physical affection. Eight out of ten participants felt psychological intimacy in recent years was significantly associated with minimal relational conflict, a confrontive conflict management style in one’s partner, mutual decision-making, a sense of relational equity and a continued importance of sexual reactions in their relationships.

The responses of many women tended to reflect themes of openness and mutuality, along with differentiation in the psychologically intimate connection with their partners.Themes of proximity and interdependence were evident among males.

Many heterosexual males viewed observable qualities in their wives, such as support and their style of managing conflict, as important in developing and maintaining a sense of psychological intimacy in their marriages. Females, on the other hand, often commented on the observable and then went on to identify their understanding of the underlying dynamics that shaped behavior. More than men, women talked about the interplay of relational dynamics.

CONCLUSIONS

This study focused selectively on a sample of 108 heterosexual and same- gender partners in 216 relationships that had lasted an average of 30 years. The results suggested that factors within relationships themselves had a more powerful effect in shaping the meaning of psychological intimacy than did social and demographic factors. The data suggested that a sense of psychological intimacy was nurtured when interpersonal conflict was kept to minimal levels, when one’s partner dealt with conflict in the relationship by initiating face-to-face discussion of differences, when one had a feeling that the relationship was fair, and when there were expressions of affection between partners through touching and hugging. Perhaps, a reason that these relationships endured was that these factors nurtured a sense of psychological intimacy that contributed to relational stability.