my life with depression.com

I’ve got my second interview with that company this Monday. I can definitely say that it’s not a sales job. Even the language used on their corresponding emails are different. I told my woman’s group about the interview and talked about my concerns about not having worked in an office setting for 10 years now and how I’m scared of the potential of feeling caged and not having the liberty and freedom that I used to and ….

My therapist stopped me there. She’s like … how did it feel to get that interview. I just told her that I was concerned. She basically said that I don’t give myself enough credit. She says that obviously it’s awesome that though I’ve not “worked” for two years, I am able to get an interview like I have and move forward and obviously my resume is awesome. I guess I don’t give myself enough credit. I guess I used to, but it’s been a long time.

Also, every step that I take here makes me feel like that door to paris, to FRENCHIE is closing. She says that if our feelings are true for each other and if we do love each other, then that door is never going to be closed. I want to close that door though. I need to focus on my life here and build something here. I’ve forgone that for two years and I have to create stability for myself and live my life. I guess thinking about FRENCHIE is not living my own life. I guess I’ve not been and only have been living it according to having him in my life. I was willing to give up everything without getting anything from him. That’s not living on my own road.

She’s told me in the past that it shouldn’t be: pick a life, a life with FRENCHIE or my EX. Rather it should be me and who fits into my life back then. Then I have to think, do they still fit into my life? Now that I’m building a more tangible life (finally!), does this boy or that boy fit into my life. No? Then stop seeing him. Yes? Then continue seeing him.

But what happens when you love someone and they are so far away? Then I guess you ask the same question. I guess is harder than that.

Living the day to day with RAZ really makes me appreciate what it means. You never really get to know someone when there is distance. I can see that. The communication is harder too. For me, there seemed to be a sense of desperation too because I just realized through my day to day contact with RAZ is that I need dialogue to feel connected. I feel like FRENCHIE and I only had that type of dialogue when he and I were physically together and perhaps th first 1.5 years. When he had to concentrate on his studies more, then the dialogue became flat and empty. I probably didn’t fit into his life then.

I know I’ve been hurting for a long time. For probably over a year now but it still hurts so much. I’m listening to “Without You” by Harry Nilsson. I’m crying now just like I was crying when FRENCHIE first played it for me over 2.5 years ago. I probably feel the same saddness now that I felt then. I remember blogging about it back then too.

It’s raining outside. It’s not cold, but there was a morning last week when it was cold in the morning and the smell, sound and feel of the city reminded me of Paris. Then walking to pick up coffee this morning reminded me of Paris again. Walking to my classes at l’Alliance Française …. walking to the metro … crossing the street and seeing all the small little cars wizzing by me. Going to a boulangerie. I miss that. It feels so far away. That life … FRENCHIE … it all seems like a dream. Like it was just an idea. I can’t believe that FRENCHIE and I are broken up. I’m so sad right now and this Harry Nilsson song is not helping.

My therapist suggested that I read the Alchemist. It’s a book written by a Brazilian and I guess it’s done really well. I think it’s about living your dream, life or having self awareness. I don’t know. I hope it’s the latter because I need to be more self aware and if I am self aware, then I want to be aware that I am self aware. Does that make sense?

It’s raining harder outside and it’s dark and gloomy. I’m drinking a hazelnut latte from la boulange. It reminds me of Paris and being with FRENCHIE and those times when I felt more secure.

I should blog more about my relationship with RAZ. I need to be able to read back and remember feelings like I have with FRENCHIE on this blog.