my life with depression.com

I’ve been reading a quick read book called THE PRESENT. It’s about a gift that you give to yourself and about hows it’s the greatest gift that one can ever give one’s self. The whole premise is to not live in the past but to learn from it; to enjoy the present moment with purpose and to use the future as a guide to what you will do in the present rather than living in the future.

There was a line in the book that really resonated within me. It was the line that talks about seeing the future with details and taking steps right now to get to the future. By doing this, one finds purpose in everyday.

I had a future that I was working towards. Now I feel kinda lost. I wanted to move to France. I was learning the language, taking classes, learning about the culture and trying to understand their values and how they differ from ours. Now that I’ve decided that I am not moving to France and that I’m putting in 100% into RAZ, I feel kinda lost and fuzzy.

I no longer have the same future that I was working towards. That’s scary! I’ve been trying to think of a business and trying to make one work that will be operable anywhere in the world. Particularly from France. I’ve not been too into making “friends with the fear of having to loose them anyway.” Don’t get me wrong, I have made a few, but there has always been the idea in the back of my head that I would be loosing those people with my move. It’s always bothered me.

I have to create a new future in my head now I guess. NO. Change that to I know I have to. I have to give myself direction. I’ve been looking around at finding a job to hold me and my savings over while I try to launch my internet business. I can take a job now without the guilt of having to leave it “when” I move to France. At least a part - time one that can cover some of my rent or all of my rent — that’s even better.

Change is hard. Especially when one is depressed. I had a lot of changes when I was depressed and all I did was hold on to the past. I wanted what used to be and compared it to what I had and it wasn’t the same. The difference = pain, hurt, and agony. I wasn’t able to appreciate what I had at the moment.

It’s so hard for me to not wish that things worked out with me and FRENCHIE. For the longest time, he was my future. I’m trying to keep my head in the moment and I’m trying to enjoy today.