my life with depression.com

it’s been hard to keep up with my blog. i’ve been working on my licensing application. i followed up on what my therapist suggested i do and buy a card for S2BX and write down what i’ve said during therapy. i didn’t get to send the card because he called me about a court date that he had a question on. i ended up just telling him that he means a lot to me and regardless if we end up being good friend, just friends or no relationship at all, i will still be very fond of him. i told him that when he said that “we don’t have a relationship anymore” (a sign of hurt on his side), i was really hurt and i became angry because i am trying really hard to respect and end everything so that we can have a relationship because he’s always going to be in my hear and he’s always going to be tito S2BX (uncle s2bx) and my mom and dad will always love him etc. i told him that i still talk about him with a lot of pride and that i still brag about his accomplishments … etc.

he brings up how he can’t guarantee that we will have a friendship after all of this. he says that he has to see if he is able to live with our interaction during the whole thing and if he can reconcile with his feelings of distrust for me. he says that he’s been affected because he had totally trusted me with his life. he understands why there were lies and he accepts that reason, but trust was still broken. i said he is carrying baggage from our relationship when it comes to girls, but reminded him that i too am carrying luggage and it also affects me. i am super sensitive when i feel like someone is trying to control me, be one up on me, talk down to me… etc… and i will cut it out or stop it. even if it just sounds like it. i’m also having to work on my self-esteem and confidence because when you’ve been treated as second in the relationship, talked down to or that you are incapable, it takes a long time to fix. i too cannot guarantee a friendship because if he still treats me respectless, then i wouldn’t want that type of person in my life. i have more to write, but my meds are really kicking in and i cannot keep my eyes open. i have to take a nap.