my life with depression.com

so i had therapy yesterday and i ended up staying out. i just perused through target and bed, bath and beyond plus i got some jamba juice. so during therapy, the biggest thing that we talk about was what happened this past tuesday with my conference call with S2BX.

she basically said that his reaction to my saying no was not because of the money. the title transfer can either be $50 or $5000 and it still isn’t the reason. my saying no was another indicator that our relationship was over. up until this point, we’ve still been working things out together. working on selling redwood shores, cleaning it before selling, getting the marital agreement in order, i let him hold $40K in his savings so he can keep his premier banker status at the bank … in a sense, we are still a team. my saying no to going 50-50 on the cost of the florida property’s title transfer was a reality check that we are not a team anymore and that i am the one that took the team away from “him.” this can be seen when he says that ‘we don’t have a relationship anymore … i have no right to blah blah blah … we not going to be married anymore ….”

she reminds me that i go through periods of emotions. sometimes i’m happy that i’m out of the relationship, sometimes i’m crying because i’m angry at how it turned out and sometimes i’m resentful of what my position became in the relationship and sometimes i’m totally loving him …. well, she said the same goes for S2BX. it’s just i don’t see the different emotions just like he can’t see mine. she also reminds me that this is the guy who has a huge emotional wall. guys already tend to have that, but in S2BX’s case, it’s even thicker AND he doesn’t know how he feels. she says when guys go on the attack, it’s a sign of being afraid. a part of me right now just wants to hold him and comfort him like the way i did when we were really talking and he was balling and really letting me in. when i felt such a connection with him. too bad that didn’t last long. i don’t know if it would be too bad, because i wouldn’t be were i am right now had i stayed with him. i guess i would just be at a different “better place” than my current “better place.” but i think it would still be a better place.

she says that he probably goes through blaming me and loving and hating me and loving me and so on and so forth. just like me. since i’m the one that initiated the divorce, i have to take owness in making sure we still have a friendship and a relationship. i’m just afraid of rejection. but i guess if he says he wants to maintain a friendship too, then perhaps i won’t get rejected.



oh yeah, she asked me how my sex life is, so i told her about this photo from the other day’s blog post: