my life with depression.com

this is give me a reason to love you - portishead — with clips from my favorite soap opera: days of our lives

i remember S2BX and i would watch TV or a movie or something at home. when we had the TV downstairs, he would sit on one end and i was relegated to the other side. i always just wanted to cuddle or to be touched but that couldn’t happen in the summer. it was too hot. but it rarely even happened in the winter — except for when he would ask for a foot massage. i’m the only one who can give him one because he’s ticklish.

this is the couch. S2BX on the left and me on the right.

then, when i gave him a big flat screen, we moved to the second level. there we had a chair and ottoman and a sofa. again we were separated. he had the big chair and i was on the sofa. i would want him to sit with me, but he said it was too uncomfortable. so he’d hug me a little bit then go back to the chair.

i think, by this time, we probably had a roommate living situation. sex got less and less. he admitted later that he asked himself why this was so. he said he was still attracted to me. he said he still loved me. he thought that i was still beautiful and still thought he had a smart “trophy wife” — which is a rare find. and he still thought that he had everything he can want in me, but he couldn’t understand why we were having sex less and less. looking back, i’m sure my depression must’ve affected him or perhaps he was going through his funk too - perhaps a small depression too? all i know was that that was another burden that i had to carry during a year with a lot of deaths and the year when everything was drowning me. i felt unattractive, i felt like i was a burden and i felt like i was no longer contributing to the relationship. it was even more clear to me as he was always on top of his shit and i tended to drop the ball. (probably due to my depression) it didn’t help when i felt scared to admit to him that i dropped the ball again when i needed to do something. at one point, he said he was doing everything for us. that really hurt me a lot. probably because it was true. i couldn’t do anything. i would literally just sit there on the couch and cry. cry about what? i never know. it was never just about one thing.

maybe about our relationship? my dad having major depression? my fear of becoming as bad as my dad? my fear of maybe experiencing psychosis? the suicide death of my cousin ruel. the guy who was the male version of me in the family. the one i used to gossip with? the sadness i felt when my neice/cousin april passed away from a pulmonary embolism within a month of delivering her daughter … her first child … the child that i saw at the funeral who will never know her mom. maybe a mix of my dad’s attempted suicide or hearing my mom screaming on the phone because my dad wasn’t waking up and there was a note. maybe the relationship my sister had with her husband and how her husband was rough with the kids and how that’s totally opposite of how our family is and how i felt helpless. maybe seeing my brother behave with such anger and he ultimately hits with words below the belt. where did his anger come from? maybe for my niece and nephew who have role models that they see on a daily basis: two young girls not married and babies, bad words, rudeness, loudness … just crude behavior … people who have kids who have gone to jail … people who HAVE gone to jail… ex- Gangsters - turned born again christians … not judging … just really opposite from our family and in the grand scheme of things, probably not the environment that will lead to successful grownups in the future. maybe my fear that my dad’s depression would cause my parent’s divorce. my mom was working more. she was leaving early in the morning and coming home later and falling asleep soon after - my dad said he was lonely. yeah, i can understand why. it’s no fault of either of them. my worrying about my parents anyway. my worrying about my sister and having to give up on the fact that she can do so much more - career wise - and it kills me that she has to do a “labor” job when she has the smarts and the intelligence to do a more “mental” job and thus make more money for her family!

anyways, i would just sit there crying and ask why i’m crying. i never had an answer except that i just felt like crying. i don’t remember usually getting hugs or softness from him. i would sometimes get suggested solutions though. i would rather have gotten a hug. my fault is that sometimes i should’ve just ask … but i just wanted him to give it to me automatically. to show me a softness that no one else get’s to see. i didn’t want to have to ask him for comfort … i wanted him to WANT to give me comfort. i never made that a priority when we were dating - i mean i never looked at that as a characteristic when choosing a mate. i just want to be loved and cherished and held.

well, since i’m crying … i guess i still have hurt feelings and i’m sure that i still have anger inside of me. damn. i’ve been so lonely for so long. it really hurts and i still feel lonely.

what’s going on? why am i crying again? why can’t i stop? god i hope i’m not going to start having bad days again. not when i just started really picking up the pieces of my life and not when i’m just starting to put it back together!



and on top of that … my tummy is hanging over my shorts right now.