help for: unhappy couple, unhappy marriage, unhappy partner, unhappy husband, unhappy wife: LEARN TO COMMUNICATE
Wednesday, April 18th, 2007related posts:
unhappy in marriage, put off getting that divorce
r-e-s-p-e-c-t i know what it means to me
if you are married, do you remember all the hopes and dreams that you had? many couples start out this way. there really is true love and great expectations. if there is so much love and hope, why is it then that we have a divorce rate of 50%?
the answer is found through long term research by psychologists who have watched hours and hours of couples fighting in their intimate setting. through this researcher are able to understand what makes a relationship last with happiness, what makes a relationship your own personal hell and what brings couples to divorce.
so what is this answer? it’s the ability or inability for couples to handle the negative feelings that naturally happen in a relationship between two different people. the same difference that first attracted us to our partners are the same ones that will cause us heart ache. so many couples divorce within the first seven years. [in my case - we dated for 5 years and married for 4.5 years and living together for the past 9 years. am i within the 7 years or past it?]
arguments are so wrapped up in the day to day that anything can trigger them like milk being left out or a sock being left on the floor. however, we fight the same fight. we say the same words, we harden in the same positions, we feel the same alienation, the same distress. the same process over take love so much so that scientist now find them predictable.
love survival skills
a growing number of clinicians and researchers are now agreeing that unhappy couples don’t necessarily need therapy, but just more education. couples need education on how relationships work and the skills that make relationships work well. these are skills that we don’t learn in school. “couples need to learn a way to stay engaged—not withdraw or attack” - psychologist sherod miller, ph.d., another pioneer in couples education who practices in colorado. the word “psychoeducation” is being used now and it means giving couples the knowledge so that they can help themselves. doing so then becomes therapeutic.
“we haven’t had the revolution we need about love,” washington, d.c., family therapist diane sollee, m.s.w. suggests. “couples who marry now don’t do anything different despite knowing that 50 percent of them will be divorced in a few years. they think their love is so special they’ll make it. they don’t realize that the survival of marriage is not about love, it’s about skills. it’s a skill to know how not to escalate a conflict if your relationship isn’t working. it’s not that you picked the wrong person. you need smart love.”
couple communication
dr. miller feels that to be able to be a good communicator, one must first have self-awareness, self-caring, self-honesty and knowing what one wants and valuing it enough to ask for it. a person must listen to one’s self and own up to what or what one has not done.
dr. miller is known for his awareness wheel. it’s a large mat which is broken into different inner information zones that may influence the problems that is confronted. these different zones are:
the awareness wheel zones
1. thoughts
2. feelings
3. wants
4. actions
5. sensory data
by physically moving from each zone and addressing them individually, couples learn the basis of communicating effectively. couples not only learn intellectually, but also kinesthetically. learning this method in different ways maybe helpful during those times of stress when our natural reaction is to attack or flee. rather than trying to manage the other person, individuals learn to manage themselves. [ i’m wondering if this has anything to do with my therapist explaining that i am not a victim in my relationship as i allowed or not allowed things to happen.]
relationship enhancement
bernard guerney, ph.d., a professor emeritus of psychology at penn state believes that psychotherapy is ultimately the same as psychoeducation, it’s just that therapy is education given/learned after a conflict develops. he believes that couples should be able to guide each other through their own difficulties. dr. guerney started to offer a course on “relationship enhancement.”
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empathy or compassion
this is the ability to see things from the other person’s perspective. this is really what individuals are seeking in marriage. these days, the needs have change in that people now want someone who is emotionally supportive, a friend, a soul mate and a help mate.
empathetic listening and empathetic responding
students learn to express themselves while not placing their partner on the defensive. presenting one’s pain or the pain that one’s partner has inflicted needs to be conveyed in the context of your love for him or her so that the partner is willing to change or make improvements.
over the years, dr. guerney has seen that couples don’t express their needs. by not expressing their needs, they learn not to ask for what they want. frustration builds because they secretly wish that their partners can just read their minds. once frustration builds, the person expresses the need in a way that usually ends in an attacking way causing them to never get what they need. hostility builds up and the couple withdraws to their own corner of the boxing ring. it’s most important to learn how to ask for what one wants in a non-threatening way. this creates positiveness in the relationship allowing love to thrive.
dr. guerney tells couples to look for feelings and motives that their partner has not shown. by being able to be “in the other person’s shoes” allows the couple to finally discuss how they can help themselves and each other.
in every situation, we have choices. we have the choice to be rude. we have the choice to listen. we have the choice to talk over the other person. we have the choice of holding our tongue and not call each other names. the problem is that choosing the negative path is usually reflexive - especially when feeling defensive. couples need to learn to slow arguments down and that process of responding so that they can evaluate the consequences of their choices and take control of their relationship.[oh boy! this is me and my fiery personality. emotional too. baaaaaad combo. my therapist and i are working on teaching me how to wait to respond 24 hours later without the height of “emotion.” ] re fosters identification and shared meaning with partners.
premarital relationship enhancement
dr. markman offers premarital relationship enhancement which focusses on the couples differences. this concept accepts that couples are going to fight, but teaches them to fight more equally. he has developed techniques that help couples handle emotions better which results in the protection of marriage.
- the floor
role #1 the speaker
this person voices out their concerns without blaming. “it really hurts me that you are always late to our ‘appointments’ - even when you call. i feel that i am not valued enough and that i can be postponed for your business activities.”
role #2 the listener
doesn’t try to defend him or herself. just listens and repeats the complaint. [ i guess defending one’s self only causes the problems to get bigger. at least for me, i would just like my feelings to be validated not to not be told that i’m wrong in feeling what i’m feeling! because that is how i feel! that is my reality regardless of my partner’s intentions.]
dr. markham says that being heard is the most important. people just want understanding [i think that means having their feelings validated] he notes that resolutions come by way of acceptance.
it’s believed that by controlling the innate reaction of attacking or withdrawing within one’s self, couples are able to contain the negative feelings. negative feelings are not allowed to overshadow the positive feelings and experiences that couples create in relationships. [“couple time” is sooo important]
” “for couples about to be married, it prevents an erosion of the positive,” markman says. the trick is being heard by one’s partner; it’s just damned difficult. we all have a variety of filters—levels of emotional arousal, expectations, fears, cultural beliefs, beliefs acquired in our families of origin, differences in style and pace, a need for self-protection—that distort the unpleasant messages our partners send. what’s more, we’re usually busy preparing our rebuttal. so what a woman thinks is a perfectly neutral statement may land like a bomb on her husband.”
we can work it out
psychologist clifford notarius, ph.d., a professor of psychology at catholic university in washington, d.c. offers a course called we can work it out. this is having the belief and expectation that the couple can work through their problems.he believes that couples are not very good about giving and receiving feedback on each others concerns. this program ensures that couples learn how to “hear each other out.”
dr. notarius tailors to each couple and asks how they want their marriage to be. by doing so, he is able to teach the couple skills needed to reach that goal while maintaining the couple’s interest and motivation to learn.
“then there are the big cardboard signs notarius has couples use. “we’re all lousy listeners,” he says, “because we’re all fragile. we don’t want to hear we’re the source of our partner’s pain.” to help people become aware of how their words affect each other, notarius designates one partner as “the listener,” who holds up reaction cards—large signs with either a plus, minus, or neutral sign—as “the speaker” speaks. absent such clear feedback, he says, spouses don’t understand why their partner’s later response is an attack.”
marriage survival kit
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the four predictors of divorce:
1. criticism
2. contempt
3. defensiveness
4. stonewalling
[CLICK HERE for more]
all couples experience some degree of each of these. some are just better able to deal with them than others. innovative researcher john gottman, ph.d., offers this weekend class for couples in the seattle marital and family institute.
“gottman says that in successful marriages, it’s in those little moments that so much goes on. happy couples make what he calls “love maps”: they find ways of knowing one another and updating the information regularly. “a fondness and admiration system is active, particularly in the husbands,” he says. “those guys are thinking about the stuff they love and admire in their partners, even when they’re not together. if you were to open up their skulls, you’d see they allocate a lot more brain cells to their marriages and the world of their partners than guys who wind up divorced.” there’s a balance of what gottman characterizes as “turning towards versus turning away,” which builds up the “emotional bank account” of relationships. partners simply connect in tiny, unremarkable, emotionally neutral moments.”
he believes that it’s the every day mundane things that make romance. his program teaches a couple how to ignore the blast of negativity that the partner might throw their way only only hear the information that is being said.
so when a partner blasts of negativity (which is normal and we all do it) the partner takes it as neutral. “gottman urges couples—especially men—to see that the irritability or anger behind complaints is really just a form of italics. by positively responding to their partner’s irritability, spouses keep their partner’s complaints from escalating into criticism. in the marriage survival kit, gottman teaches couples five basic skills for conflict resolution.”
practical application of relationship skills
most
if you really loved me, you would know what i want, and you would do it.
since you don’t, you obviously don’t care.
so why should i care for you, or for what you think, feel, say, want, or do?
when you tell me what you want, i won’t be very interested.
i will be withholding.
“in addition to learning how to argue, they also learn how to confide in each other through a structured conversation called the guide for dialogue. “it’s not enough to work on communication,” gordon says. “you need a cognitive understanding of the way you react to your partner.”‘
not only does this help your marriage relationship, it also helps your relationships in parenting, in the workforce and within the community.
- taking the floor
the floor premarital relationship enhancement program (prep) takes fighting between couples as a given. the course’s creator, howard markman, ph.d., says its aim is to teach partners how to do it right. ground rules are established via the floor, where one partner becomes “the speaker,” the other “the listener.” and then they switch.
rules for the speaker:
speak for yourself. don’t mind read.
keep statements brief. don’t go on and on.
stop and let the listener paraphrase what you say.
rules for the listener:
paraphrase what you hear the speaker say.
focus on the speaker’s message. don’t rebut.
rules for both the speaker and the listener:
the speaker has the floor.
the speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases.
share the floor.
marriage survival kit
john gottman, ph.d., a professor of psychology at the university of washington in seattle, says his studies show that couples whose relationships remain happy and stable know how to successfully repair problems. his marriage survival kit teaches partners five basic skills for conflict resolution.
use a softened start-up. present your complaints without criticism. criticism involves a global attack or blaming of a partner, and only incites defensiveness.
accept influence. positively take in your partner’s attempts to request things of you. in good marriages, both men and women freely give and receive influence from each other. since women are already good at accepting influence from men, gottman finds, a husband’s role becomes critical in predicting whether a marriage will survive. to the degree that men can accept influence from their wives, marriages succeed.
repair, or put the brakes on conflict. this means doing anything to halt or reverse negativity. gottman gives couples a 72-point repair checklist, which includes statements such as “i’m feeling sad,” and “let’s start all over again.” even “will you shut up and listen” is usually a repair attempt.
make use of physiologic soothing. men are more physiologically aroused during conflict—a factor that often prompts withdrawal, which is deadly for relationships. they will remain engaged in problem-solving only if they or their partners take specific steps to calm them down. one of the best ways to do this is to declare a “time out” during heated discussions, and reconvene after at least 20 minutes of thinking about something else, or nothing at all.
de-escalate discord. in good marriages, couples actively de-escalate conflicts by doing things like injecting humor into situations or planting a kiss on their partner’s cheek. unfortunately, this is the one behavior gottman admits he can’t program. it just happens when couples have a positive perspective.
love lessons
how to manage conflict without reciprocating, retaliating, or invalidating your partner.
by hara estroff marano - published in psychology today
summarized by m
related posts:
unhappy in marriage, put off getting that divorce
r-e-s-p-e-c-t i know what it means to me
