current life reflection from M
Thursday, March 29th, 2007
i spent the day with my friend and her baby. we went out to chestnut st. in the marina area of san francisco and had lunch, ate $3 cupcakes (i can’t believe these things have become gourmet) and sipped jamba juice. needless to say, we both gained weight!
it was a beautiful day and i got to spend the time being an aunt. i love that role and i love being able to entertain pascal and kind of relieve the pressure of off angleeeeeeeeka to constantly entertain him. poor thing was feeling dead as pascal woke up so early in the morning.
spending the day with them again reminded me of the life that i wanted but will not have … will not ever? … or will have later? … that remains to be seen. in a sense, she and mark have specialized in the traditional route. granted they are able to do that as mark is a physician; thus allowing them to live in the nice, safe part of town. not as sterile as what i’m used to, but this is san francisco - you will not find the sterile type of environment that i’m used to in the city.
being 33 now and seeing where my life is puts me at odds with myself. i feel like those past 10 years spent with S2BX were in a sense wasted because i am not where i wanted to be family wise. that kinda makes me want to cry. no change that. i am crying. i wouldn’t say it’s been wasted, because that experience has brought me to who i am now and i love who i am slowly becoming.
maybe i’m still “mourning” my marriage. i guess i am ’cause i’m sure the process doesn’t end within a few months time. we were living soooo much in the future that we didn’t see what was going on in the present. gosh… this really hurts. i haven’t cried like this in two months.
i know this is girly, but i actually wanted to get pregnant around the same time as angeleeeeeeeka …. it’s just my instincts prevented me from wanting to get pregnant. i wanted to have a prego-partner so that i could share the experience with another female. not just any other female, but one with whom i have a close relationship. one with whom i can talk about running out of batteries with no extras around so you run around all over the house taking the remote control batteries because you need IT right then and there. (YOU KNOW what i’m talkin’ about) that type of close friend.
i wanted to bounce baby experiences and push the stroller around and lunch somewhere together. then on the days when our kids are at daycare, we would do our home business type of thing - she’s studying to get her realtor license. i should probably do that if my goal is to deal with personal property down the road. but anyways, i want to experience being the mommy, while still working to help grow the family assets through acquisition of equity through property and stocks/mutual funds etc.
oh and i have to live in the nice, safe and as sterile as can be area of town. did i mention that i still want the husband qualities that i’ve listed before? S2BX says that i can’t have it all. i ask why not? and if not, then i ask why can’t i try to be happy in my life … being cherished and respected by a husband who is my best friend and not acting like a father to me and why can’t my professional life be 1/2 mommy and 1/2 owning my own “business”.
it’s funny. in the last 8 years of my marriage, i’ve forgotten what kind of life i wanted to have since the time i first defined the type of life i wanted. it was mostly defined by the “i didn’t marry a housewife” and the fact that i couldn’t define my own role in “OUR” partnership.
angeleeeeeeeka asked if i was going to get married again. i said i don’t know that right now. she said of course you are. i thought to myself that doing so after this whole experience is not going to be as easily done as before. i know better and i will not discount myself again. not even if the guy is a vice-president or president of a division or of the whole fortune 5 company or a super-specialized physician or the main partner of a law firm etc. or someone with the hottest body or the most handsome face and blah blah blah.
