my life with depression.com

here i am again in redwood shores. hoping to finish moving and removing everything according to what the real estate agent said.
i have the radio on and i heard a commercial for the shane company. it’s a jewelry store advertisment. they were talking about the three diamond ring. one for yesterday. one for today. one for tomorrow.

i write about this because i recall a time when i was talking with S2BX about his career advancement, i was mentioning that when he becomes a general manager, he needs to up grade my diamond to a two carat. i had a little bigger than 1.5 carats. so i guess i should have a two by now. then when he becomes a vice president, i need to upgrade to a three. when he becomes division head - or president, then i need a four.

i think back and i laugh at that becuase i was totally serious. i don’t need that now, but i’m wondering why i was even like that. perhaps it’s becuase i felt unappreciated and it was a way for me to remind him to remember that i’m in it with him and that he’s not doing everything by himself. if i wasn’t taking care of the household duties along side of him, i was out there bringing in almost the same amount of money as he was. shit. there was a period when i was bringing in more money then him. i hit $100k before he did!

see … i was even competitive with him. i had this animosity for the way he treated me. for fathering me and for talking down to me and for making me feel like i was anything but equal. the ugliness came out of me - and i’ve told him this when everything was being discussed- that i used to relish at his mistakes - BECAUSE he never seemed to make any while i was the one disappointing all the time. i didn’t know that he was late paying a bill sometimes … or that he messed up at work sometimes … or that he was even human and made mistakes too.

i thought that a bigger diamond would cover it all and make up for what i was feeling. i guess i shall never know as i’ve never gotten the upgrade. knowing me though, i know it wouldn’t have made up for it. i guess, sometimes you can buy a girl, but as for me. i don’t think i can get bought. my needs aren’t materialistic and yeah, maybe i have expensive taste once in awhile, but i can get that for myself. what i really want can’t be bought for me.

don’t get me wrong though. a two+ carat ring would look LOVELY on my long slender fingers. oh and the nail people say that i have nice nail-beds, so i’m sure whatever that means will also look nice with a two+ carat ring.

well, if you are buying a diamond. my advice. don’t think about the size first. think about the quality first. the bigger the diamond the most likely that you can afford a not so fine quality one and the bigger the diamond, the more one can see that it’s not good quality. even if a diamond is smaller with the best quality, it will look bigger due to it’s clarity …. etc. just some advice.

gotta go finishing cleaning…