rejection: stop rejecting me!
Tuesday, December 19th, 2006
ok. i’ve just left my therapist’s office and i’ve stopped off at kinkos to write down what we talked about. my memory sucks so much that i don’t want to forget. man! her ability to see connections is awesome.
so i guess this saturday… i felt rejected AND on top of that, i was PMSing. there’s already history with my friend and my feeling second, but this weekend, i really felt it. i felt rejected by my FRENCHIE when he didn’t want to talk about what i asked him and i felt rejected by S2BX in saying that i couldn’t come by to greet his dad a merry christmas and safe trip and happy new year.
she said my feelings were valid. at this point in my life, i am going to feel very needy. three mentioned above certainly didn’t intend on making me feel rejected. after all, my friend did call me for dinner but i said that i wasn’t hungry and that they can just come over to sleep whenever they were done and i know that S2BX’s dad who was swamped with packing for his trip the next day would’ve stopped everything to cook dinner for me - S2BX did suggest that i talk with dad on the phone and my FRENCHIE had already spoken for the longest time with me and it was REALLY late in paris. the subject that i brought up was one that would’ve taken a lot of energy to talk about. so, while i am in my needy stage, i am feeling rejected. yes, they didn’t “reject” me, but i took it as rejection and it’s understandable why i would’ve taken it as rejection. for all three of the above, i play an important role in their lives and i know that they love me and they would never intentionally hurt me. all the more reason why it hurt so much. all the more reason why i hurt even more.
i drove home feeling so alone and lonely and unloved. i told my therapist that it’s even harder now since i am able to put words into how i was feeling and know the reason why i was crying and why i was feeling as if i was the only person in the world and that i wasn’t important. crossing the bride was even more poignant because it also started to rain. i guess there was even hail in some parts of the peninsula.
when i got back to the loft, i passed by 305 — i live in 303. he’s got a “penthouse” loft. i was invited to his housewarming party. i didn’t plan to staying long, i just wanted to show my face, but i ended up staying longer ’cause i enjoyed myself and i enjoyed talking with the people i met. i might even go out with 105 - Mattias - he’s safe because i believe he’s gay … so ….and i met some cool people.
i ended up getting home by 9:30. i felt better and was able to not have to fake a smile when my friends came by to sleep over.
my therapist asked why i felt good after the party… she said that it’s because with the 3 above mentioned, i needed to be central - with my friend i wasn’t- someone else was, with S2BX- i wasn’t and i’ve always been, but that’s changing and with my FRENCHIE i am not. so i depended on those people to be the center. at the party. no one there depended on anyone to be the center for someone because they all just intermingled. i was the center for myself. she said that it was good that i was able to do that and that i was able to go to the party.
she said that i could’ve just gone home and hid under my covers in bed. i told her that yeah, of course it was easy for me because i was in sales. she said that it’s not that easy and many people have to develop those “skills.” and that people would’ve just gone and cried in bed.
she said that it’s important to be the center for one’s self. i guess that’s all part of my living alone. i understand now why it was such a break through for me to join the french talking group…
i told her that i am probably going to be like this in january … touchy and sensitive and needy + pms. she said that this time in my life, i will be all of that. i’m going through tremendous change within myself and my life.
she suggested that i talk with my pcp to get something that i can take a few days before my monthly friend comes to help ease the tension. or maybe ask for something like a zanax if i’m not at risk of getting addicted or a low dose anti-depressant and how those will interact with the meds i’m currently on. just to take the pressure off or the edge off during this time. i really don’t want to increase my anti-depressant. i want to feel everything that i am feeling and i want to deal with the feelings right now. i don’t want to avoid it by feeling “numb” due to increased meds.
i’m feeling shaky right now. i literally am having tremors. i can see it in my fingers - a side effect that i’ve not see in a long time and i’m feeling the tension - anxiety in my neck - something that i’ve not felt in awhile. oh it hurts… i know i shouldn’t waste my money on a massage because i already know they won’t be able to help me…
time to go… my charges for the use of this kinkos is 8:50 already. i think i will by pass traffic and stay here in the peninsula. i am going to hang out by myself. i should be okay.
OH! i just got my 5th customer!!! yippy!
oh, and i don’t feel like a taxi anymore. after all, you want only your closest friends to take you around while in town and that was me … and visiting for such a short amount of time and trying to see everyone is difficult already… so i understand… i understand everyone’s position now - now that i’m not pms-ing.
god i hope january is going to be better…. i can’t stand this any more…
