my life with depression.com

it’s almost 1am. i had a long day today. my alarm didn’t ring. i swear i turned it on last night after passing out ‘ cause i was so tired from the day … it’s exhausting talking with people all day and smiling ….

the other day, i worked 17 hours … yesterday i worked 12 hours and today was a myra day except i worked and made some changes to the website.

i think maybe i’m working too much, but i have to get everything up and running. i don’t even have the webinar set up yet. i went to my therapy appointment today. we talked about the topic of not being able to change someone. i won’t go into detail, but we talked about how some people just don;t have a clue as to all the work you do and they can never appreciate it. she likened it to being a mom. the only time that anyone even notices that mom does everything is when the dinner isn’t cooked or the laundry isn’t done. so now i am going to have to change my approach. i hate being unappreciated. especially when i try so hard. maybe that’s my problem… i try to hard and people just normally are not appreciative or they are so self absorbed that they don’t notice anything else but themselves.

i just got rid of some ungrateful people in my life now i’ve got another. will it ever stop???

well, since i missed my october psych appointment, i dropped in today to see if she can include me in her group - med check up.

they asked me if i feel like i’m having a manic episode … i guess i was kinda talking a bit fast, but my depression is controlled and i just had so much to say … also maybe because i mentioned that i was putting in so many hours on the computer. they asked if i can sit still … yeah i can… i’m reading a book right now: sixty million frenchmen can’t be wrong. it’s so funny. no wonder it’s a must read. it’s a juxtaposition of american culture with the french and why there are so many misunderstandings.

anyways, she wants to see me next week… = +$200. fabulous. I just wrote an even bigger check to my therapist… i swear …

i got my first customer today. that was kinda exciting… but the only reason why i found out was because she made contact saying that after she paid paypal didn’t send her to where she needed to go… so i was excited and bumbed …. i printed out her email along with my response - for memory’s sake AND i printed out the first transaction ever! i’m going to frame it and give a copy to kevin for his place. no i will not do that. i have to stop doing things like that - the effort will probably go unappreciated.

i also had my french talking group tonight. oh my god… how did it get so hard all of a sudden???

first i was enjoying it and everything was fine and dandy … then all of a sudden … it’s all hard! not fun anymore and IT’S ALL GRAMMAR! my tutor said that i shouldn’t get discouraged. i guess the learning curb is up - up - up —- then a long plateau. oh my gosh… i used to always have problems spelling plateau, i guess since i’m studying french… i know that eau is spelled eau like l’eau = water.

anyways … i don’t like this going to french lessons once a week and having a talking group once a week. especially since there’s so much grammar. i’m going to take another lesson in paris early next year. i hope it to be a 3 week course this time, but we shall see… maybe two weeks…

oh, yesterday, i met this guy who is fluent in spanish because he lived and studied spanish in spain and then did the same in france where he got his mba at the top business school there. i guess he hit it big during the dotcom time and now he’s one of the casualties… it was cool because he was talking somewhat … fast but i was able to still catch up - kinda. obviously i made grammatical mistakes, but … hey he’s fluent and i’m not. 1:18am.

i told my psych that i lowered one of my meds down to 20mg. the side effects suck! but i told her that i don’t know if i should associate the sadness, loneliness to the reduction or perhaps it’s just normal for someone that’s just gone and is going through all of my life changes etc. my therapist warned me about these feelings. i didn’t think that they would come. but they are here and i hate it. i’ve felt so many emotions this past year. i didn’t know that i could despise someone so much. i’ve never felt such disappointment. the feeling that i have right now is not like the depressed feeling that i felt. i have motivation. i don’t have it for everything … but my life feels rather light and i don’t want it to be heavy again. funny i should say that because i don’t believe in people so much these days. i always tried to be positive about things… and i tried to believe in people … but these past few years have really shown me that i’ve been so sheltered growing up. i’m still naive when it comes to people and i just walk around saying hello to everyone without thinking that i can even be in harms way. now i’m having to be more careful. maybe it’s just reality… i don’t know. maybe if i don’t set the bar so high for people or for myself, then i can’t get disappointed… it’s funny, i ready that people like me have lives that are full of disappointment and broken hearts from people.

well, at least i’m glad that i’m not a reactor anymore and i’m strong enough to stand my ground. now i just have to learn how to stop having to please people. i have to start saying “no.” and just take care of myself.

although i’m alone, i’m glad i don’t have roommates. i don’t think that i should ever … this loft is kinda my refuge from the world.

today i had lunch with my friend stacey. she works for genomic health. they do cancer things, but the drive up to the building was so beautiful. the trees had gold/yellow leaved and they’ve fallen to the ground. so beautiful. too bad california doesn’t get the 4 seasons… 1:32 … better go to sleep cause i have a long day tomorrow again.