my life with depression.com

i am a touchy feelly person. i love hugs and i love kisses. i love relationships that are touchy-feelly and affectionate. i like physical contact while watching TV or watching movies or if simply just sharing a couch reading a book or a magazine. i guess even staring into the eyes of a lover is considered affection for me. i love feeling loved and i love giving love back.

maybe this is my problem. i’m too alone. the person that i see most often is my business partner kevin and there is certainly no “touching” there.

but maybe THAT IS my problem. the fact that i always need to have physical contact. i was devoid of it for so long and i died. now i’m devoid of it again and maybe that’s why i feel like i’m dying. i want to “reach out and touch someone,” but there’s only my computer to touch.

maybe this is the reason why i was or still am such a serial relationship jumper. i thought it was because i was afraid to be alone. well, maybe that too, but maybe sub-consiencely i was afraid not to have that loving human touch.

why did i all of a sudden wonder about this? because of the power of a hug has over me. especially when i’m hella angry or hella hurt and i finally break down into mad crazy tears. if hugged - not by a fake ass hug, but by a real caring ‘everything is going to be okay hug’ then eventually i become calm and revert back from a raging bull to just a big fat cry baby.

this is probably it because i feel the tears starting again and my nose is getting drippy and i’m feeling the emotion wash over me. and i’m feeling that feeling again. what is this feeling? i can’t put words into it. but whatever the feelings are, i just want to cry and cry and cry. not the type of crying that’s loud and raging, but just kind where you just want to curl up underneath your bed covers or in my case my fluffy robe as i am using it as a blanket right now.

my glasses are fogging up just like it is outside:

i took this picture earlier. you can’t even see the skyline of downtown.

and i found this in one of my early morning reads:

Being touched by your husband relieves stress. In a study, as women waited for electric shocks, scans of their brains showed high activity in regions that anticipate pain and regulate negative emotions. The activity subsided when a stranger touched their hands, but subsided far more when their husbands did so. “Supercouples” who scored highest on closeness in a questionnaire got the biggest reductions. This matches previous research that showed 1) seeing a picture of someone who recently rejected you causes pain, and 2) blisters take longer to heal during marital discord. Researchers’ conclusion: Maybe stress reduction is why married folks are healthier than singles. Bonus finding: Women awaiting shocks “showed peaks of activation in regions involved in … heightening physical arousal.” Question: The couples “all rated as very happily married” but agreed to subject the wife to electric shocks. What’s up with that?

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well, the tears have stopped, but i am curled up under my fluffy robe still and i’m typing with my right pointing finger.

i was thinking. maybe i shouldn’t desire boys who are too ambitious. i’ve learned already that that type of boy is married to their job and not to me. i think that i will keep a list og the type of person that i like under a photo album. i know … weird, but i have a wonderMAC.