my life with depression.com

something is wrong. yeah… maybe i’m PMSing, but i feel really helpless. i’m crying … and i can’t stop just like earlier today. i just feel like crying and crying and crying and it’s not the type of crying that i did when i was mad a few months ago … it’s almost like the crying that i used to do when i was depressed. where i didn’t know whyi started but something just triggered it.

i don’t think that i’m getting depressed again. shit, i’m still using the same dose. i’m still seeing my therapist. she says that i’m taking really good steps towards the right direction.

am i angry?? and if i am at what or at who?

i just got into a fight with steph. two today. i don’t know now if i jumped into anger too early or if i was getting pushed and i pushed back hard.

i don’t know. i know that i’m stressed out about my future… i wish that i still smoked. at least i can go outside sit in the balcony, look at the city skyline - maybe have a glass of wine or two and just relax.

i think i’m going to spend some alone time. i’ve been listening to music way too much and i’ve not been spending alone myra time lately. maybe i’m loosing my focus or my center. i dont’ know

all i know is that i have this overwhelming sadness that i can’t seem to shake off. i spoke with my friend david this evening. i enjoyed that. we talked about high school people and where they are now… i didn’t feel sad then. maybe because i was distracted?

i think that i’m hitting another point in my life where i can’t see the future so well and so i am scared of what it might be.

i wish i was braver. the thought of suicide past my mind earlier. i haven’t had a passing thought like that in awhile. i should probably tell my therapist when i see her next week. maybe i shouldn’t go down and see family. i know that if i see my dumb ass brother in law be rude to my sister or the kids, i will rip him a new ass hole.

maybe i should just focus on work and nothing else. maybe i’m getting too distracted … maybe i just need to be a blank slate for awhile and maybe i shouldn’t try to fill that slate too fast with who i want to be.

i had the song ‘angel’ playing by bon jovi to a slideshow of some black and white pictures that i took while in paris prior to going to a party. just made me even more sad.

there…. the tears are back and i’m just gonna let them come. maybe i’ll feel better afterwards. maybe i’ll go to sleep and wake up tomorrow to find that all of this is just a dream and that i’m back in 1992.

sometimes i wonder if i’ve fucked up my life royally. i hope not. my therapist says no, but she is my therapist and what is she suppose to say? “yes, you;re royally screwed”?

i’m hungry now, but i don’t want to eat dinner and it’s already 12 am and i’ve brushed my teeth and i’m too lazy.

god i hate this.