my life with depression.com

ask any elderly couple who have been married for like 50 years what their secret is for their long relationship and they will always say, ” we communicated. communication is always important. you must communicate”.

this is true, but are we really communicating? or are we just talking? but what’s the difference? we’re getting our point across right? well i guess not. i guess talking is just talking and communicating is getting the other person to really hear and process and feel where you are coming from.

i’ve been learning this lesson. i’ll talk about two examples.

i think that i’ve written about my journaling for forever. since i think …. 3rd grade. i remember it too. there was a book fair at school and my mom said that we can spend $$$ this much money. so i picked out a book and a journal. reading back on it, i was such a little shit! my poor parents! back then, i wrote about my feelings. i wrote about how i hated my parents. or how they are the devil on earth! really, my parents are the best! i got really lucky to be born to them. i was just young and dumb… i appreciate them. in fact, when i was 24, i called and told them “i love you and thank you for all the sacrifices that you guys made for us.” note: we were not the “i love you” type family - we are now - so i was balling on the phone!

oh so anyways, back then, i wrote more about my feelings. in later journals, i started writing about what my day was like. so i can read them and know what i did on that certain day, but not know how what i did made me feel. how did i feel when i lost my virginity? ohhh i feel funny writing that. maybe i should erase that. my cousins have access to this page! my brother and sister! cathy & lucille: don’t have sex and if you do, use a condom - even if you’re on the pill. if you don’t, i’ll tell your parents.

well, i guess i feel comfortable now. i’ve always been open with my life. people don’t understand it, but … i’m comfortable. it’s just that. so how did i feel about the times when i snuck out of the house to meet my older boyfriend at a party? how did i feel when i was first brought home by the cops for being out past curfew? how did i feel when my boyfriend e.m. didn’t understand what i meant when i asked for some consideration. how did it make me feel to have some boyfriend tell me not to wear make-up or to change my shirt before going out. he was the insecure, jealous type. i hate those types. they’re not men. if they are jealous, it’s because they are not treating their partner well and they know that someone else can take them away.

so i could only imagine how i felt back then, but …

i’ve found that in my current relationship, my S2BX and i were just talking. we were not sharing our feelings on things. there was no understanding because we were just talking. we were putting our own values on the other person and not accepting that the other person has another side.

good news is that we are talking so much more. my S2BX is getting better at verbalizing his feelings to me and i’m getting better at it too. i guess all this time we were just talking and not really communicating. i guess if the other person has any empathy, they would stop to process their partner’s feelings over all the other bullshit that comes out of our mouths. i guess that’s when real communication begins. especially when the other person validates your feelings because they listened and you put words to how you are feeling. the other person might not agree with how you feel, but they have to accept that THAT is how you feel and you are not wrong for feeling like that. there might have been wrong information or something, but feelings are feelings.

like last night. i was telling my S2BX that i was feeling strong - we were talking about something in the past. he started arguing that what i did didn’t show strength so i was literally wrong in feeling that. i’m like BUT THAT’S HOW I FELT! YOU CAN’T TELL ME HOW I FELT! I’M THE ONE WHO FELT IT! HELLO! i think that might have been a power struggle too. i felt like if i allowed him to tell me i was wrong in feeling that, then i’m letting him define me. and since i’m getting “better” i will no longer allow it. reading back on this… i ask: does this make sense?

well, i was telling him how i was feeling at a certain time. after i argued back, he stopped and processed it and took it in. our conversation went on; he shared his feelings on the situation. it doesn’t mean that we agree now, but we do have an understanding. and if in my next relationship it comes to something like this, i would like to think that he and i would then start to negotiation if the need is there.

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time for me to go. i have to make some phone calls and get ready to pick up the munchkins from the airport!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED! i love those little stinkers. it’s like… i love them … but i hate them at the same time… my dad just laughs when i say that and when i say that i want to punt them like a football and put them through the goal. i just —– i just love those munchkins! i’m going to be soooo tired this week. i know this for sure, but i won’t care. i think that i will try to make them eat salad. greens are good. yeah - i’ll do that.

note to self: core, obituary…