my life with depression.com

my S2BX asked me what my definition of marriage is. this question came as we were discussing why he proposed to me and why after dating and living together for 4 years, i never pressured/pushed him to marry me, unlike other women who may be in the same situation.

his definition is different from mine in some aspects. his sounded more like it’s something that forcibly binds two people together so they have no choice but to stay together when things got bad. i got the feeling that it’s almost like prison with love in it.

i think that mine was a little different. growing up, just like with the rest of my life, i never planned when i would or who i would wed nor did i think a lot about the subject. i only knew that i would, but i never sat down and analyzed my opinion on it. i never longed for the 2.5 kids and white picket fence in suburbia like other little girls. with that said, maybe it’s because marriage and commitment can be two totally separate things. just because you are married doesn’t mean that you have a commitment to the other person and just because you’re committed to the other person doesn’t mean that you need to wed just to validate that commitment - does it?. and just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean that you have to be married to them.

what is the difference between a domestic partnership and marriage anyway? i guess a lot of extra peripherals. things that can be important, but really, in the final analysis are not. ultimately, are both not a partnership where each person contributes and gives of themselves to the other while promoting a general good for the couple? ultimately, the commitment and love the couple has for each other are what’s important and not what a piece of paper says. right?

a lot of people stay in unhappy marriages for the fact that they are just that… they are married and divorce is too long of a process. it also drains you both mentally and monetarily. isn’t it much better to just have a domestic partnership? really, it all boils down to the fact that with the latter case, the relationship only survives because both parties have made the choice to stay together and tough things out. i mean… leaving the relationship is certainly easy. assets don’t need to be divided and it’s as simple as just moving out.

wait a second. it’s sounding as if i’m on the side of domestic partnership and not for marriage. i mean, seeing two people stick it out through richer or poorer and in sickness or in health without the title of “husband and wife”, isn’t that a stronger partnership than a married couple’s ? i mean the domestic partnership couple would have had multiple opportunities for an easy way out all throughout the relationship when things got rough. they could have literally and easily called it quits many times.

but then again… what do i know. it just seems like being taken for granted… etc… would not happen as much in a domestic partnership since it’s too easy for the other person to leave. it also seems like a dom. partnership couple sticking it out for 50 years is a bigger accomplishment than a married couple doing it. being in a marriage puts certain pressures on the couple to stick it out… to make it through … these pressures can come from religion or family. i’m sure that there are a lot who would rather just leave their spouse, but for whatever reason, they don’t. a dom.part. couple doesn’t have the same pressures as a married couple so it is much easier to separate. therefore, if a dom.part. couple sticks it out for 50+ years, then damn … they must really love each other! (this taking on the assumption that both parties are able to care for themselves)

but see, there has to be something really wonderful about marriage. the gay population are fighting really hard for the right to do so - and shit, i’m a big proponent of gay marriage too. i’m sure that they are not only fighting for the peripheral aspects that you get with marriage, but also for the comfort and emotional bonding that two individuals get when they become one entity working towards one goal or two or three and having this be validated by the world and society.

i’ve gone on and on and on and on about this because i wonder if i will want to get married again or will i just be as satisfied living out my life with a domestic partner rather than a husband? at twenty-eight years old, i was not even thinking about getting married. i was not pushing my S2BX who was then my former live-in partner into a marriage. will i be like that still when i’m in my mid-30’s ? i mean, it really has nothing to do with my ticking clock… i’d love to have children … maybe one or two, but i’d like to wait until i’m about thirty-six/seven then have the second one at thirty-nine, but i can do that even if i am not “married”. and i know plans never work out like they should…

OH. i feel like i’m all over the place and i’m talking as if i’m positively sure that i will even have someone in my life or someone who even wants to be in my life so that i have to even seriously ponder this question. i am after all a very difficult person to love. i mean, how can someone love a person so confused as me? a myra who wants to be both put on a pedestal but also be seen as a strong, capable and able partner? “Uh-No” as an old friend used to write on notes passed to me during class in junior high school. if i had to make a choice between the two, i would rather be seen as a strong, capable and able one. but since i don’t, then i don’t want to, so i will not. will i have to wait and wait and wait and wait until i find someone who wants to do that for me. you know… someone who can even do both??? but alas… this topic is for another posting. i sound lost.