my life with depression.com

i wanted to write something today, but i have so many thoughts that i think i will try to write them all down. i realized last night that this blogging thing has pretty much taken the place of my journaling. in fact, this is journaling!

let’s see. i broke bread with two of my friends yesterday. i had lunch with my friend kevie (kevin) and dinner with my friend dave (david).

during the course of the meal, while catching up, i presented them with my current problem: i want to keep my townhouse even after the divorce.

.

i actually contacted some of my male friends as they are usually on the same wavelength as me when it comes to investing and money management.

the solutions that were presented to me by all are:

1. sell my body
2. become a trophy wife so i don’t have to worry about money
3. i’m screwed

did i mention that i went to them for SOLUTIONS???     boys….

anyways, by having to do a cash buyout to my soon-to-be-ex (S2BX), my monthly fix overhead for housing will be +$3500. sucks to be someone who is in the process of starting a business. someone who will not have any income. sucks to be me - eh?

i thought about having  two roomies, but i would still have to front $1800 + day to day living expenses + property taxes… etc. this solution basically means that i will starve to death and won’t be able to buy cute shoes or cloths or play a round of golf or two.

so i thought may be i can rent out the place to a family. after all, it is a 3bedroom 2.5bath place in beautiful redwood shores! http://www.redwoodshores.com/ the lovely thing about this is that my monthly fixed cost will be a lot lower. the sucky ass thing about it is that i will be forced to live with the parental units!!!!!

oh… ma… ga! i am a 32 year old woman. an adult. i can’t be at home again…. as a matter of fact, i think my relationship with the parentals improved by my moving out. having too many adults living under the same roof is a big mistake. i was proud to be a generation-X who has not moved back in with their parents. oh… ma… ga! i know … i know…. doing so will save me from burning through my savings and from tapping into my equity.

everyone has told me that i will have to lower my standard of living. moving in with my parents is not lowering my standard of living… it’s loosing it! when i asked them if they were willing to move in with their parents, all said, “hell no“. point made.

i do have to lower my standard of living. not now, but after the divorce. i guess they are right when they say that divorce lowers your economic standard given that assets have to be sold off, taxes need to be paid and duplication starts. duplication in that you might have to buy new cups or furniture or tv if the ex got these and you didn’t. duplication in that you are paying all of the rent or mortgage all by your lonesome. no more splitting it in half or out of “our account” type spending any more. no more economies of scale. (hey! i learned that in econ class!!!!) actually, it’s funny because this is the excuse that i used with the parentals when i announced that i was moving in with my S2BX.

another solution is for me and my S2BX to just sell and cash-out the equity, for me to live with the parentals until i have a positive cash flow from the business and then re-invest and start over.

have i mentioned that starting over sucks ass?  …..

or, i can go back into pharmaceutical sales, a job that pays really well. i would be able to afford to keep the townhouse, i’ll just need one room-mate to help pay for the mortgage so that i can still afford to eat, buy louis vuitton/prada, i get a free company car + gas, lap top, expense account and all the other benefits including health insurance!

i know that this sounds like the perfect solution, but the flip side is that i will be going back to an industry that i am no longer proud of. a job that is ultimately demeaning (to me at least). a job that i was made for but that i get depressed over. a job that i excelled in but where i had to live and die by the numbers = extreme pressure. an industry that is and will be extremely difficult for me to leave expecially as i get older and make more money and bonus and stock options and kicker bonuses and award trips and travel and relationships with staff and customers and free car + gas and 5 star restaurants and …. etc.

i mean, it’s already been hard to leave! i never realized how much gas costs! i knew that it’s gotten expensive, but i never really looked at the total or the price. but, i decided that this IS the time in my life to make the decision to start a business. to take on the most amount of risk as i am still young and without the responsibilities of children and will probably soon not have the responsibilities of a mortgage.

i know that after the divorce, i can’t have it all.

BUT WHY NOT???   am i just being a baby? a princessa? a spoiled brat? arrrrrrrrggggggggg!

but i am suppose to be the girl who has it all. it is what is expected of me. i’m suppose to have the perfect executive husband, the perfect relationship, a nice home and  a great successful career. i’m suppose to be a DINK (double income no kids),  a YUPI (young urban professional -i forgot the rest), the one who can be counted on and who is a great role model for the little cousins and niece/nephew.

for the longest time, looking from the outside in, that was me. i guess you can’t keep up the facade for too long. no one has a perfect life. no one is perfect and i know that i am far from being that.

it’s just so hard mentally when i feel that i always have to live up to those standards. even now. most of the facade is still there, but after the divorce the only thing that will be left is:

me.

will people still love me even without all of that?