silence
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
i was suppose to be there for her. i was suppose to be there for them. i was suppose to be closer to family during times of difficulties. i hate being so far away. i was suppose to help take care of my family.
instead, i was up in sonoma kayaking. i was enjoying the sun, enjoying the trees, enjoying the sounds of nature and enjoying the ache that my arms had as i rowed 8 miles down river. i was celebrating my 3rd year wedding anniversary.
luckily, i was home by sunday. the day that i should have been heading back up north to san francisco from southern cal. my sissy called my cell. i didn’t pick up because i was on the computer. then they called the house… then my cell, so finally i picked up. it was my brother in law telling me that something really bad happened to shiya. blood was all over and the doctors didn’t think that she would make it through the night. that was at about 4.:30. i was in the plane by 6:15 heading down to ontario airport.
little did i know of what was happening in shiya’s PICU room at the loma linda children’s hospital as i prayed for her life. i was thinking that things could not be so bad. after all, she celebrated her one year birthday; a birthday that was a miracle. the doctors always were able to help shiya even in the face of difficult medical situations.
as i entered, again there was no sound. no sound from the family members already in the room. i walked in and the first person i saw was my little niece shiya. she looked different. the room felt different. she wasn’t hooked up to her machines anymore. her bed rails were lowered and the machines made no noise. she was still-as i’d expected a baby to be after a code blue, but the feeling in the room and what i saw through my eyes confirmed that her spirit was no longer there with us in the room. she was so still.
i cried. my sister and i hugged and we cried. my brother in law and i hugged and we cried. my parents, my aunt, my brother’s girlfriend and even my brother whom i had a huge fight with, we all hugged and cried together. i was finally able to approach shiya. she looked so peaceful. she looked different. i was no longer able to feel any warmth in her hands or cheeks. i took her hand in mine with the hope of warming her up. I kissed her cheeks but she didn’t stir. she just laid there peaceful. I noticed that she had short bangs. my sissy finally cut her hair and with this realization tears and laughter came out. shiya finally got a haircut.
i remember leaving the room confused. i knew that shiya’s body was going to be taken away but I didn’t understand why we left before she was taken away. now i’m thinking that it may be for the family’s sanity. i didn’t want to leave. i was the last to leave. i didn’t want to leave because i knew that if I left, i would never see shiya again. i felt a flutter knowing that she was dancing with angels in heaven… no more tubes, no more pain….
i don’t know why i did it, but i took one last picture. not of shiya, but of her quiet machines. the silence symbolized her rest from the pains of this world.
